Feeling better today

So I know I said I wouldn't weigh myself, but let's face it, I'm addicted. Also, last night I came to the realization that no matter what the stupid scale says, I'm still changing. My body is definitely different today than it was three weeks ago. Even if it wasn't, look at how far I've come! A few weeks of no change doesn't change the fact that I've lost Mary-Kate Olsen in weight! It just doesn't.

Last night I decided since I was in such a funk I would try on my bridesmaid dress from my brother in law's wedding and see how big it was on me. It's a size 22 and it's the one pictured in my before picture to the right. I wore it in September 2010 right before getting pregnant with my son. Let me tell you people, it is one hilarious sight to see now. If I didn't hold the thing up it literally fell to the ground. It's like a tent! I felt so much better after putting that thing on. Then I decided to try my prom dress on again. I tried it on a couple months ago and it fit but was very tight and I couldn't totally zip it up. Well, it zips and it fits! My prom was in June 2002 people. That's almost eleven years and many many pounds gained and now lost to get back into it. I'm quite proud of myself. :)

My Insanity DVDs should be here by next week and I'm so excited to start them! I've seen the results some I follow on Instagram have had with it and if I can stick with it, it's going to be amazing! It's really going to push me though. We'll see what happens. I just need to work on my back and my arms before the wedding this November. I've heard my bridesmaid dress is strapless with a low back! EEP!

All for now. I'm off to listen to my new Justin Timberlake CD. ;)

The dresses:

     

Throwing away the scale.

I have been stuck at 170 for almost three weeks now. I got down to 169.8 for a day and then back up to 170. This morning the scale read 171. It has put me in such a funk. I don't understand how I am stuck at the same number forever and then it goes UP! I ate pretty well yesterday, I may have drank too much water (110oz) but I had decently high sodium intake and I did treadmill for 45mins and a walk with my kids for 30. I am done with the scale for awhile. If I can stop myself that is. I'm seriously obsessed and have to do it every morning. It's part of my morning routine and I go to bed every night thinking about how I can't wait til morning so I can see what it says. Obsession. It's not healthy. So, we'll see if I can avoid it awhile because I cannot take another morning like today. I seriously want to cry. I ordered Insanity a couple days ago so when that comes I'll weigh again for my "start weight" of the program and then not again until my Diet Bet is over in four weeks.

Speaking of Diet Bet, if you haven't heard of this website/app you should totally check it out if you want a little more motivation. I'm doing my third one right now and it's a really neat concept. You submit your weight via a picture of your scale with a code word they send you plus another picture of yourself standing on the scale. Once it registers and verifies your weight it lets you know you're good to go. From the start date you have exactly four weeks to lose four percent of your weight. The bet part is a set amount of money made by whoever starts the game. The first two games I did were with some other moms and they were $10 each. The one I'm in now I'm using my winnings from my last game to play and it's $25. All the money goes into the pot and at the end of the four weeks whoever is at 100% of their goal (verified exactly how it is in the beginning) gets to split the pot! It's great. I won like $37 or something like that in the last game off my $10. There weren't a lot of players in that one. The current game I'm doing is hosted by ladies from Biggest Loser and there are currently 2263 players so the pot is a whopping $56,575! I'm sure even if I do win I'll only get my $25 back and like an extra $5 because there's no way that many people will fail. It's just too easy! So, if it sounds like fun to you, find a bet or start one with your friends because it's motivating and great for your wallet! :)

Nothing else exciting to report. Still trying to eat as clean as I can. I slacked on the exercise pretty bad last week so I'm trying to be better about that too. Insanity will whip me back into shape I'm sure. I'm soooo nervous to start it! I got it off Ebay for more than half off though so at least I didn't spend $140+ they're asking for it on Amazon etc! Hope everyone else is doing well and trying their best. Until next time!

Big week....

So I meant to write a couple weeks ago when I reached 80lbs lost, but I didn't get around to it. Now this week has been CRAZY!! Since last Friday (Feb 22) I have lost 6lbs! That's like a pound a day! (It's only Thursday today) I am so amazed by this week. I know that every month I go through this where I lose nothing for a couple weeks and bounce between a few pounds and then suddenly one week I drop a few pounds, but it's never been this much! Funny thing is, I haven't worked out either. Just worked a few days. I think the biggest thing is I've been focusing more on drinking water and trying to eat clean the last few days. I've eaten some things that definitely are not "clean" but for the most part I've been doing good. Instagram has been a big help on finding clean eating ideas via #cleaneating and #fitspo etc. Also, my friend Dianna is a big inspiration to me because she eats so darn good all the time! Seeing her food on instagram and logs on MFP makes me want to try harder to eat better. :)

I guess that's it. I just can't believe I've come this far already. It still doesn't seem real at all. I have 14lbs exactly to go until I reach 100lbs lost. ME! 100lbs smaller. That's like a whole person. Crazy I tell you!

Until next time.....

Me in June 2012 after losing 20lbs (size 20) and me after reaching 80lbs lost! (size 12)

Food is not my friend.

All I can think about right now is food. It's 11:32pm and I am fighting myself so hard not to go get a snack. Last night I caved and had popcorn. Not going there again. These last couple days I have been thinking about food nonstop. So much so that I was super tired today and unmotivated but I went and walked my treadmill anyway because I wanted to be able to eat more. That's pathetic. I wish I could just shut my brain off and go to bed ya know? So frustrating. Guess I'll turn on the tv for distraction and hope I fall asleep. Tomorrow starts a new week, lets make it a good one!

Guilt.

So, I have this weird obsession with not feeling like my weight loss is valid. I still eat everything I normally would have, just a lot less. When people talk about how "inspirational" I am and use words like "incredible" and "amazing" I feel guilty. I know that's stupid because regardless of how I did it, I didn't use any pills or gimmicks, I did it on my own. I just feel bad that I'm still eating brownies (which I will never again have in my house!) and ice cream and things like that and losing weight. My mind tells me that I'm a fraud when I get compliments. I feel like I don't work hard enough to be called those things and for so many people to call me an inspiration. I've been told recently by a friend that I've always thought was so fit on their own that I am an inspiration to them. Why? What have I really done? Nothing special, people lose weight all the time. Am I proud of myself for losing weight? Yes. Do I think I'm an inspiration? No. I'm just being me and going about my daily life.

I think it's weird how my mind works like this. Now, eight months in, I can see a change in myself in the mirror. I still see a lot of bad though and I don't think I'm as small as some people say I am. I see it in pictures if I compare the "old me" next to it, but it's hard to see otherwise most days. I've read other blogs and talked to others that have lost a lot of weight and they said they felt the same way. I just wonder if/when it goes away.

Anyway, I guess there was no point to posting this. Just something I was thinking about. More ramblings from me! ;)

"Obese" is not in my vocabulary.

Yesterday was a momentous day! I weighed in under 180lbs and dropped from "Obese" on the BMI charts. I have been in that category for the last decade and I am so happy to be out. Never again will I be there. I promise. Not only for myself, but for my children, my husband and for all the people that have told me "It's easy to lose, but so much harder to keep it off." I will show them. This is a life change for me, not a for now change. I've come a long way and I'm really proud of where I am today. I can look in the mirror now with more confidence and I've learned that I am capable of much more than I have ever given myself credit for. Which leads me to.....

My first ever 5k! Saturday was the big day. I went Friday night to go pick up my shirt and bib and all that stuff. While I was there Dan and Jackie Evans from season 5 of The Biggest Loser came in for a meet and greet. They hadn't officially started the meet and greet but we wanted to leave so I walked over and said hi and took a picture with them. They asked if it was my first race and I said it was. Then I told them a little about my journey so far. They were super impressed and even said, "You didn't even need Bob and Jillian!" Haha Jackie was probably one of the nicest people I've come across in life. She was very easy to talk to and down to earth. When I thanked them for taking a picture I walked over to Kevin and the kids and Jackie ended up following me. She said to Kevin, "How amazing is your wife?!" Made me feel really good. We chatted more about the ranch and her experience on the show. I told her about how I used to watch the show every season eating junk food (usually a bag of potato chips) and I'd cry wondering why I couldn't just lose weight. Now I cry every episode but for a better reason. :) She said she used to do the exact same thing before she went on the show. She ate a huge bowl of popcorn with an entire stick of butter. (Ew) I don't know why we did these things, but I'm so happy that my eyes have been opened and I'm a much healthier person now. I still eat chips, popcorn, even cookies...I just eat less. We said our goodbyes after about five minutes or so of chatting and I was even more excited for the race after talking with her.

Saturday morning my alarm came way too fast. I couldn't sleep Friday night. I probably fell asleep around 2:30am and woke up at 7am. Yuck. I got up and got ready to go, ate breakfast and got everyone else in the family ready. We got to the race an hour early and waited in our car for awhile because it was cold and drizzly that morning. Finally it was time so we walked to the course and I took a picture standing on the Biggest Loser scale (it didn't actually show your weight or anything, just the giant silver scale to stand on) and then we waited. Dan Evans sang the National Anthem before it was time to start and I started tearing up. To think about where I'd come from just eight months ago and where I am now. I was about to RUN over 3 miles! It had been less than two months since I was first able to run a full mile without stopping. To say I'm proud is an understatement. I feel sometimes like I'm watching someone else go through this whole journey and I'm going to wake up one day and I'll be fat again. So anyway, after the Anthem they blew a blow horn for everyone to start. The 5k'ers and 10k'ers all started off the first 1/4 mile together so it was a LOT of people. Took awhile even to get to the start line for my time to start. Then I had to run around and through a lot of walkers to even begin to get a good pace going. I ran the whole first mile without stopping except to slow down to pass people or hop around mud so I didn't fall on my butt. I ran most of the second mile without stopping but towards the end of it I slowed a bit and took a cup of water from one of the people handing them out. Spilled it on the front of my shirt so then I looked like I had been sweating through my chest. Nice. HAHA Ran again and pretty much all the way through the rest of the race. I think I probably only legit walked like one minute of the whole thing. It was really nice to see people cheering on the sidelines and all the different shapes and sizes of the runners. I learned that morning that I judge people in a way I shouldn't. There were a lot of people out there running that if I saw them on a normal day I'd think they were really athletic and could definitely out run me, but I was passing them! Made me realize that just because someone looks fit, doesn't mean they are (or aren't really) As I was coming to the finish I started to worry that Kevin and the kids wouldn't see me but as I made the final turn I saw them. My heart raced and I started to really tear up. They were on the side of the track just before the finish line and I waved to my daughter and she jumped up and down yelling "Go mommy!" Best feeling ever. Kev got my finish on video on his phone and I got to hear what I didn't know happened which was my son started crying when I ran past them yelling "mama!" because I didn't stop. Poor kid! Seeing them gave me an extra boost and I was able to run past one more person and finish. Final time 39mins 51.4 seconds. I finished 11/28 in my age group, 125/239 overall and 84/180 among females. Those numbers are much better than I thought they would be. My time wasn't great, but I finished and I'm so proud! I cannot wait for my next race in March! It's going to be amazing.

Here are some photos:

Me with Dan and Jackie (sad her eyes are closed!)

On the Biggest Loser scale

The finish line (my husband took this)

Right after I finished

The kids and I after I finished

I did it!

My medal

Me Sept 2010 sweating standing in my bridesmaid dress and me now after running a 5k. :)

5ks and bridesmaid dresses

I ran a mile again. Four seconds faster than the first time. I tried again yesterday but I was having a very off day and couldn't get into it. I was tired. I'm still tired! I still can't believe I can run a mile though. It's crazy the amount of running I can do now. Just a month or two ago I couldn't go longer than thirty seconds without huffing and puffing and having to stop. It's an amazing feeling to know I'm getting stronger each day.

I decided this weekend to sign up for my first 5k. I'm soooo nervous! It's in the end of January so I have plenty of time to get ready for it and work up to running the whole thing. My goal is not just to finish but to run the whole thing and to try to place in the top three of my age group. Big goals! I can do it though. At least the run the whole thing part. I know I can! The race is The Biggest Loser 5/10k walk-run. There will be a few previous contestants from the show there running along with us and cheering us on. Should be a fun day and sounded like a good first 5k for me. I haven't watched TBL in a few seasons but I used to watch every episode and sit and cry and wish I could be like them. I'd do this while eating a bag of chips. My life has changed so much since then! I realized after I signed up as I was looking through the website and saw the "Audition to be a contestant on TBL" link that I wouldn't qualify to be on the show anymore. I'd be too small. That's an amazing feeling! I've come so far and even though I have a long ways to go it's moments of realization like these that make me feel like a million bucks. :)

This weekend was really relaxing. I ran both days, cleaned my house and watched a couple movies. Then last night my husband's best friend and his new fiance came over for dinner and to hang out. While they were here they asked if my daughter could be a co-flower girl in their wedding and if I would be a bridesmaid! I am so excited! My husband is the best man so all of us except my son will be in it. I'm hoping my in laws fly in for it so they can watch him during the ceremony and pictures and everything. It should be a really fun Texas style wedding! I'm also excited because I'm going to be skinny in my dress! I've only been a bridesmaid in one other wedding and it was for my brother in law's wedding. My dress was a size 20. I guess they were sized weird because I was in a 22 or 24 jeans and 22/24 shirts. Who knows? Point is, I won't be anywhere near that this time! The wedding is in the end of November 2013. Plenty of time to get rid of my flabby fat girl turned skinny arms and look good! :)

So, exciting things to come in 2013! Can't wait to see how it all plays out.