Guilt.

So, I have this weird obsession with not feeling like my weight loss is valid. I still eat everything I normally would have, just a lot less. When people talk about how "inspirational" I am and use words like "incredible" and "amazing" I feel guilty. I know that's stupid because regardless of how I did it, I didn't use any pills or gimmicks, I did it on my own. I just feel bad that I'm still eating brownies (which I will never again have in my house!) and ice cream and things like that and losing weight. My mind tells me that I'm a fraud when I get compliments. I feel like I don't work hard enough to be called those things and for so many people to call me an inspiration. I've been told recently by a friend that I've always thought was so fit on their own that I am an inspiration to them. Why? What have I really done? Nothing special, people lose weight all the time. Am I proud of myself for losing weight? Yes. Do I think I'm an inspiration? No. I'm just being me and going about my daily life.

I think it's weird how my mind works like this. Now, eight months in, I can see a change in myself in the mirror. I still see a lot of bad though and I don't think I'm as small as some people say I am. I see it in pictures if I compare the "old me" next to it, but it's hard to see otherwise most days. I've read other blogs and talked to others that have lost a lot of weight and they said they felt the same way. I just wonder if/when it goes away.

Anyway, I guess there was no point to posting this. Just something I was thinking about. More ramblings from me! ;)

"Obese" is not in my vocabulary.

Yesterday was a momentous day! I weighed in under 180lbs and dropped from "Obese" on the BMI charts. I have been in that category for the last decade and I am so happy to be out. Never again will I be there. I promise. Not only for myself, but for my children, my husband and for all the people that have told me "It's easy to lose, but so much harder to keep it off." I will show them. This is a life change for me, not a for now change. I've come a long way and I'm really proud of where I am today. I can look in the mirror now with more confidence and I've learned that I am capable of much more than I have ever given myself credit for. Which leads me to.....

My first ever 5k! Saturday was the big day. I went Friday night to go pick up my shirt and bib and all that stuff. While I was there Dan and Jackie Evans from season 5 of The Biggest Loser came in for a meet and greet. They hadn't officially started the meet and greet but we wanted to leave so I walked over and said hi and took a picture with them. They asked if it was my first race and I said it was. Then I told them a little about my journey so far. They were super impressed and even said, "You didn't even need Bob and Jillian!" Haha Jackie was probably one of the nicest people I've come across in life. She was very easy to talk to and down to earth. When I thanked them for taking a picture I walked over to Kevin and the kids and Jackie ended up following me. She said to Kevin, "How amazing is your wife?!" Made me feel really good. We chatted more about the ranch and her experience on the show. I told her about how I used to watch the show every season eating junk food (usually a bag of potato chips) and I'd cry wondering why I couldn't just lose weight. Now I cry every episode but for a better reason. :) She said she used to do the exact same thing before she went on the show. She ate a huge bowl of popcorn with an entire stick of butter. (Ew) I don't know why we did these things, but I'm so happy that my eyes have been opened and I'm a much healthier person now. I still eat chips, popcorn, even cookies...I just eat less. We said our goodbyes after about five minutes or so of chatting and I was even more excited for the race after talking with her.

Saturday morning my alarm came way too fast. I couldn't sleep Friday night. I probably fell asleep around 2:30am and woke up at 7am. Yuck. I got up and got ready to go, ate breakfast and got everyone else in the family ready. We got to the race an hour early and waited in our car for awhile because it was cold and drizzly that morning. Finally it was time so we walked to the course and I took a picture standing on the Biggest Loser scale (it didn't actually show your weight or anything, just the giant silver scale to stand on) and then we waited. Dan Evans sang the National Anthem before it was time to start and I started tearing up. To think about where I'd come from just eight months ago and where I am now. I was about to RUN over 3 miles! It had been less than two months since I was first able to run a full mile without stopping. To say I'm proud is an understatement. I feel sometimes like I'm watching someone else go through this whole journey and I'm going to wake up one day and I'll be fat again. So anyway, after the Anthem they blew a blow horn for everyone to start. The 5k'ers and 10k'ers all started off the first 1/4 mile together so it was a LOT of people. Took awhile even to get to the start line for my time to start. Then I had to run around and through a lot of walkers to even begin to get a good pace going. I ran the whole first mile without stopping except to slow down to pass people or hop around mud so I didn't fall on my butt. I ran most of the second mile without stopping but towards the end of it I slowed a bit and took a cup of water from one of the people handing them out. Spilled it on the front of my shirt so then I looked like I had been sweating through my chest. Nice. HAHA Ran again and pretty much all the way through the rest of the race. I think I probably only legit walked like one minute of the whole thing. It was really nice to see people cheering on the sidelines and all the different shapes and sizes of the runners. I learned that morning that I judge people in a way I shouldn't. There were a lot of people out there running that if I saw them on a normal day I'd think they were really athletic and could definitely out run me, but I was passing them! Made me realize that just because someone looks fit, doesn't mean they are (or aren't really) As I was coming to the finish I started to worry that Kevin and the kids wouldn't see me but as I made the final turn I saw them. My heart raced and I started to really tear up. They were on the side of the track just before the finish line and I waved to my daughter and she jumped up and down yelling "Go mommy!" Best feeling ever. Kev got my finish on video on his phone and I got to hear what I didn't know happened which was my son started crying when I ran past them yelling "mama!" because I didn't stop. Poor kid! Seeing them gave me an extra boost and I was able to run past one more person and finish. Final time 39mins 51.4 seconds. I finished 11/28 in my age group, 125/239 overall and 84/180 among females. Those numbers are much better than I thought they would be. My time wasn't great, but I finished and I'm so proud! I cannot wait for my next race in March! It's going to be amazing.

Here are some photos:

Me with Dan and Jackie (sad her eyes are closed!)

On the Biggest Loser scale

The finish line (my husband took this)

Right after I finished

The kids and I after I finished

I did it!

My medal

Me Sept 2010 sweating standing in my bridesmaid dress and me now after running a 5k. :)

5ks and bridesmaid dresses

I ran a mile again. Four seconds faster than the first time. I tried again yesterday but I was having a very off day and couldn't get into it. I was tired. I'm still tired! I still can't believe I can run a mile though. It's crazy the amount of running I can do now. Just a month or two ago I couldn't go longer than thirty seconds without huffing and puffing and having to stop. It's an amazing feeling to know I'm getting stronger each day.

I decided this weekend to sign up for my first 5k. I'm soooo nervous! It's in the end of January so I have plenty of time to get ready for it and work up to running the whole thing. My goal is not just to finish but to run the whole thing and to try to place in the top three of my age group. Big goals! I can do it though. At least the run the whole thing part. I know I can! The race is The Biggest Loser 5/10k walk-run. There will be a few previous contestants from the show there running along with us and cheering us on. Should be a fun day and sounded like a good first 5k for me. I haven't watched TBL in a few seasons but I used to watch every episode and sit and cry and wish I could be like them. I'd do this while eating a bag of chips. My life has changed so much since then! I realized after I signed up as I was looking through the website and saw the "Audition to be a contestant on TBL" link that I wouldn't qualify to be on the show anymore. I'd be too small. That's an amazing feeling! I've come so far and even though I have a long ways to go it's moments of realization like these that make me feel like a million bucks. :)

This weekend was really relaxing. I ran both days, cleaned my house and watched a couple movies. Then last night my husband's best friend and his new fiance came over for dinner and to hang out. While they were here they asked if my daughter could be a co-flower girl in their wedding and if I would be a bridesmaid! I am so excited! My husband is the best man so all of us except my son will be in it. I'm hoping my in laws fly in for it so they can watch him during the ceremony and pictures and everything. It should be a really fun Texas style wedding! I'm also excited because I'm going to be skinny in my dress! I've only been a bridesmaid in one other wedding and it was for my brother in law's wedding. My dress was a size 20. I guess they were sized weird because I was in a 22 or 24 jeans and 22/24 shirts. Who knows? Point is, I won't be anywhere near that this time! The wedding is in the end of November 2013. Plenty of time to get rid of my flabby fat girl turned skinny arms and look good! :)

So, exciting things to come in 2013! Can't wait to see how it all plays out.

One mile baby!

I've never been a runner. Ever. I have always hated it. When I was in school and we had cross country units in PE or had to run the mile I was always left on the track because I took too long. I always walked part of it. Never in my life have I run a full mile without stopping. Until yesterday. :)

Yesterday morning I was having a text convo with my friend about running and I said "I have never run a straight mile in my life. Ever. So it'll be quite the day when/if I do." She told me it was all mind and that if I told myself I could do it, I could. So last night after playing with the kids at the park my husband took the kids back home in the car and I decided to run/walk home. Well, I started running and I didn't stop. I had my C25K program running and it told me to warm up, it told me to run, it said to walk....I ignored it. I ran the whole first mile! NO STOPS! Then I rested (walked) for about 15-20 seconds and took off again and finished the .25miles back home running. I cannot believe I was able to do it! Did I want to die? Little bit, but I kept going and I feel like I could have kept going. It's amazing what your body can do when you put your mind to it. Hopefully I really can finish out the C25K program and really run the whole distance within the next couple months. We'll see! For now, I'm happy with my one mile.

Remember this feeling.

Today was a good day. I lost another .6lbs bringing it to a total of 3.3lbs lost this week. I am now at 194.4lbs. I have been struggling so much with trying to get the scale to go down that it caused a lot of frustration with this whole ordeal. However, today I lost again. And today I had a "moment" of realization of how far I've come. A couple of them actually.

I realized today that a couple months ago I was texting a friend and we were talking about my weight loss and she said I was so small and I made the comment that I was still 216lbs and it felt like it was going to take forever to get to under 200. Now, today I am 22lbs down from that day. It was a completely surreal moment to think about it. This entire process is surreal to me. I never would have thought in a million years (and most days you have to convince me of it!) that I could be where I am today. I'm still a good amount away from where I want to be, but more than once I've been told I look nowhere near the weight that I am. That is a fantastic feeling. The number is a really important thing for me because I'm obsessed with it, but looking and most of all feeling good are what matter most.

Tonight we took the kids to the park and I was climbing all over the structure with them and sliding down the slides with them. Seven months ago when I moved here I could have never done that. I wouldn't have even tried really. I did attempt a slide with my daughter one day but it was super uncomfortable and I could barely get down it because of my size. Now I slide down just for the fun of it and I go just as fast as she does!

After the park we went to the grocery store. This is where my "Remember this feeling" moment comes into play. I was walking through the store with my list and I realized that I felt good being there. That for once I didn't feel like people were looking at me and judging me by what was in my cart. I knew the things I wanted and I strayed from my list a bit but knowing and feeling comfortable about what was good and what wasn't. It was just an awesome moment to realize I finally felt like a normal person should. I used to love going to the grocery store before, but it was because I loved food. I still love food, but in a much different way. I eat a lot less of it and I eat better. I still have ice cream, I still have cookies....I'm not a saint. BUT I know my limits now and I feel like if I wanted to, I could probably do this all okay without tracking it on My Fitness Pal. I won't be stopping anytime soon, but I am feeling more and more confident with myself these days. I just can't wait until I feel comfortable shopping! I still can't do it. I walked into The Loft outlet recently and The GAP outlet and I walked back out because I still felt like people were looking at me like "What is that fat girl doing in here thinking she can fit into these clothes? Is she kidding?!" I am so excited for the days when that goes away. Baby steps. :)

With that I leave you with another comparison photo. Left is right after my birthday somewhere around September 1st or so and the right is from last Saturday November 25th. I don't see a big difference, but I can see some improvement. So fun looking back and seeing little by little how I've changed.

Frustrated.

I'm not losing. I go through this every month and it's really frustrating. I'll go a couple weeks with nothing then suddenly drop 3-5lbs in a week, then nothing again. Now that I've added more exercise into the mix I thought maybe I'd lose more. Guess not. I just feel like I should be losing at least two pounds a week. I've been watching my intake on everything the last few days and trying not to go over on sugar especially. I haven't been over on sugar in four days. Still no loss. Just the .7lbs. I know I should probably just eat more calories especially with exercising, but I don't know how to do it without going over on everything else. I also don't want to eat the calories that I've burned. That makes no sense to me. Why would I do the exercise just to eat more and waste my time? I guess I'll get the hang of it sometime. I'm trying!!

Today I completed week two day one of the C25K. It wasn't the best "run" ever. It was super windy and I swear every time I switched direction it followed me blowing right at me! During the walking intervals I felt like I was going to blow over. Stupid wind. So, it was slow, but at least I did it! Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Supposed to be stormy, so I'm excited. Our forecast is showing high 60s all week for the most part too. YAY! Maybe fall is finally coming to Texas! Fingers crossed. :)

All for now. I leave you with some motivation I read today: 30 minutes is only about 2% of your day. Get out and be active!!

Six months

Today, November 8th marked six months since I started My Fitness Pal and changed my life. I had a goal for myself to reach 50lbs lost on MFP by this date. As of the 7th I had .7lbs to lose to make it and I tried really hard to watch what I ate and had a date with miss Jillian Michaels. I didn't think I could do it just because for some reason my loss has been at a stand still for a couple weeks. Well, I weighed in this morning and saw 198.8. I made it to exactly 50lbs lost on MFP by the six month mark. I was shocked! I cannot believe how far I've come in such a short amount of time. I've heard people say "You lose weight faster than you gain it." for years, but I never believed them. Guess they showed me!

I was asked by a friend to talk about how I feel now compared to before I started losing. I have a ton more energy. I'm still tired a lot with working, taking care of the kids, keeping a clean house, and exercising, but believe me, I would not be able to do it all if I was still the size I was. I honestly don't think I could work at the job I have now on my feet all day and squeeze between boxes in the back room and climb ladders. That's something I realized the other day about the ladders. I used to cringe if I had to step on one because I felt like I was going to break it or something and I always checked the weight limits. Now I just hop on up without a care because I know I'm not going to break it. It's always been that way with chairs too. I'd sit very carefully because I didn't want to break them and be embarrassed. I still catch myself easing into them, but not nearly as much as I used to. I still have a long way to go, but little things like these remind me of how much I've changed. Also, I was telling a friend today about how I'd noticed that after I get out of the shower and wrap a towel around myself it overlaps. For years I could barely get it to overlap on the top and it always had a huge gap of an opening the rest of the way. Now my towels overlap 4-5 inches! It's amazing. The little things. :)

One thing I am really struggling with is my self confidence. People have told me recently that I seem more confident in my pictures and they love seeing it. Problem is, I honestly think I am even more self-conscious now than I was before. I feel like I'm up on a pedestal and everyone is expecting so much from me. I know that this is my journey and I really shouldn't care what others think, but I can't help it. I feel like next time I go home everyone will be looking at me and judging my weight loss. Like I won't be good enough. I keep having these dreams about going home and still being fat. I know I'm not skinny right now, but I've come a long way. At least the scale says so. I just wish I could see it. When I compare pictures side by side I can obviously see a difference in my size, but I don't think that I see what everyone else does. I worry that pictures are all about angles and that in real life I'm a let down. I'm trying to get better with these things, but it's hard. I just really don't want to let anyone down.

Anyway...no more whoa is me. My newest short term goals are to be 185 or lower before Christmas, finish the Couch to 5K program by it's intended deadline (week one day three is tomorrow!) and get into a size 14 jeans before the new year. (I'm in a 16 right now) I seem to be doing pretty well with the short term goals, so I'll stick with those for now!

I leave you with a picture of me from November 2011 vs me today at 6 months after my journey began: (I see no big difference in these, but it's a comparison none the less.)